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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Suicidal Ideation


Suicidal ideation is a hell of a thing.

I have a good life. I am happy the majority of the time. Things are stressful, but not in a detrimental way. I am not feeling depressed beyond usual PMDD symptoms. Nothing has really happened to push my buttons more than usual.

So why am I having to fight past the image and urge of taking the scissors from my desk and driving them into my wrist and ripping them to the bend of the elbow down to the bone? I'm just sitting at my desk, doing the best I can to get the job done and it happens. I can't stop it or turn it off. All I can do is try to distract myself and focus on other things and let it dance around the periphery of my vision and mind. Headphones cranked up to ten, in depth, detailed work with numbers and it was still there, eating at me, wanting me to think about it...what it would feel like, what it would look like, how that much blood would smell and the heat it would give off. The little push in my mind telling me I would like it, like the pain and then the end of the pain, that my arms would look better ripped open. And behind it this huge, wracking sob that is welling up from somewhere and can never seem to find it's way to the surface. It has it's tides, but is never really gone and never really ready to materialize.

Now, you can see my quandary...why on earth would any part of my brain, hormonal or not, ever want to mess up this piece of artwork I get to walk around in every day?! Shit, that's crazy talk. If for no other reason than vanity, I would never consider it! Then you go deeper and I love myself. Yeah, I said it... I am fucking awesome. Plus I am a good mom and I like to think I bring a little joy and a change of perspective into the world. Then there is also the whole enjoying life and loving my child, friends and family part that makes it even crazier.

But I'm not crazy. I know when those thoughts hit what I need to do to ignore them and that they are not me. It doesn't happen every month, usually just after a lot of stress. I have never wavered and even made a move toward it. But yet I still have to deal with the thoughts. I have to get through my day while watching a tiny movie of my own violent suicide from my own perspective. Imagine that for a second.

How would you deal with that while having to lead your every day life?

I can't give you a solid answer of how I do it. A lot of it is mind over matter, I have trained myself to think around it and stay busy. I practice reminding myself how good my life is and how happy I was yesterday, and probably will be tomorrow.  Focus on the positives, don't give in. I fight it like I would fight someone who was trying to do those things to me with their own hands, and 'She' is. That PMDD bitch takes lives all the time and we rarely ever know it was her. Sylvia Plath is one example, diagnosed from her diaries long after she took her own life. That won't happen to me, or any other sufferers if I have anything to say about it.

Suicidal ideation is a shitbag of a symptom to get, but if you have it that does not mean you are suicidal or will be. There are lots of ways to find help, not just medical doctors and medication. Meditation, great books about self hypnosis and controlling the mind, alternative therapies, religion....whatever resonates with you and helps is the key. We all need help sometimes.

Today I did.





8 comments:

  1. Its a shame you didn't go through with it. You are no better than anyone else who is dealing with shit in their lives. You are not all that. You are just another crazy bitch who thinks her shit is better than everyone else. You preach about how your body is so good and so bad, how your life is shitty and life is good. PMDD for you is an excuse. Not a medical issues.

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    1. For you to wish death upon another, is your true reflect ion of your own self hate. She never in any of her writings portrayed your idea that she is better than anyone else, in fact quite the opposite. Your ignorance is obvious as carelessly stated in your last two sentences. Educate yourself, love yourself, and find compassion in all human beings. I only hope that she takes your words and uses them to direct more positive energy into her and others lives.

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  2. And you are a coward. Why is this article bothering you so much that it would liberate you to insult the person that wrote it? You are talking to someone dealing with something in the last week or so. What else would you expect? Your battle with PMDD has taken you to a point where you are insulting the others that decide to share their journey. They are not perfect nor have they portrayed themselves to be that way. Yet here you are insulting a fellow PMDD sufferer. You should be ashamed. That is not the way we should help one another.

    PS...You can have your thoughts on this but you are the one that posted with no identity. Why did you think you should approach someone like this? Are you dealing with your own suicidal thoughts and this is your way of avoiding it by attacking someone who is being honest? Please explain this to me cause I would like to know??????

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  3. You are trying to get an emotional response, but guess what.....explain what would lead you to say such things. Please, tell us?

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  4. Not a coward and not having suicidal thoughts. Just a bad PMDD day. LOL Its just an excuse, for people to feel sorry for her. Ugh..Not ashamed either. Have nothing to be ashamed of. I find what she has to say very entertaining because my life is a piece of cake comparing to her. Her life would be better off if she just did what she said she was thinking about. This is a public blog, I am entirely within my rights to post anything I choose in a public place. If you don't like it. Don't read what I have to say. I choose to stay anonymous because I can! Thank you for being so curious.

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  5. I write to spread knowledge about our illness and to help people who have it or are affected by it. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Sounds like you do. Pmdd for me is empowering and helps drive me toward my goals. Apparently, for you, it is an excuse to hurt other people who have never done anything but try to help you. I bet you have never had fulfilling relationships with real affection from others with an attitude like that. That's probably why you have so much time to troll the internet looking for people to push your pain off on. I don't accept your pain. I am happy.
    Anonymity is an illusion. Cyber bullying is a crime.

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  6. "Anonymous", you are a terrible troll.

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  7. Hi. I've got a blogger site and have just started a web ring to bring as many pmdd, pms, women's health sites together as possible into an easy to navigate community. I was wondering if you would like to join? More information can be found at http://pmdditsnotjustpms.blogspot.com/p/web-ring-page.html. If you need to contact us, we have a contact page there too. :) Thanks! Love your blog! Could you imagine if "anonymous" ran into a bunch of PMDDers in real life and said that crap?

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