Thursday, April 11, 2013
Suicidal ideation is a hell of a thing.
I have a good life. I am happy the majority of the time. Things are stressful, but not in a detrimental way. I am not feeling depressed beyond usual PMDD symptoms. Nothing has really happened to push my buttons more than usual.
So why am I having to fight past the image and urge of taking the scissors from my desk and driving them into my wrist and ripping them to the bend of the elbow down to the bone? I'm just sitting at my desk, doing the best I can to get the job done and it happens. I can't stop it or turn it off. All I can do is try to distract myself and focus on other things and let it dance around the periphery of my vision and mind. Headphones cranked up to ten, in depth, detailed work with numbers and it was still there, eating at me, wanting me to think about it...what it would feel like, what it would look like, how that much blood would smell and the heat it would give off. The little push in my mind telling me I would like it, like the pain and then the end of the pain, that my arms would look better ripped open. And behind it this huge, wracking sob that is welling up from somewhere and can never seem to find it's way to the surface. It has it's tides, but is never really gone and never really ready to materialize.
Now, you can see my quandary...why on earth would any part of my brain, hormonal or not, ever want to mess up this piece of artwork I get to walk around in every day?! Shit, that's crazy talk. If for no other reason than vanity, I would never consider it! Then you go deeper and I love myself. Yeah, I said it... I am fucking awesome. Plus I am a good mom and I like to think I bring a little joy and a change of perspective into the world. Then there is also the whole enjoying life and loving my child, friends and family part that makes it even crazier.
But I'm not crazy. I know when those thoughts hit what I need to do to ignore them and that they are not me. It doesn't happen every month, usually just after a lot of stress. I have never wavered and even made a move toward it. But yet I still have to deal with the thoughts. I have to get through my day while watching a tiny movie of my own violent suicide from my own perspective. Imagine that for a second.
How would you deal with that while having to lead your every day life?
I can't give you a solid answer of how I do it. A lot of it is mind over matter, I have trained myself to think around it and stay busy. I practice reminding myself how good my life is and how happy I was yesterday, and probably will be tomorrow. Focus on the positives, don't give in. I fight it like I would fight someone who was trying to do those things to me with their own hands, and 'She' is. That PMDD bitch takes lives all the time and we rarely ever know it was her. Sylvia Plath is one example, diagnosed from her diaries long after she took her own life. That won't happen to me, or any other sufferers if I have anything to say about it.
Suicidal ideation is a shitbag of a symptom to get, but if you have it that does not mean you are suicidal or will be. There are lots of ways to find help, not just medical doctors and medication. Meditation, great books about self hypnosis and controlling the mind, alternative therapies, religion....whatever resonates with you and helps is the key. We all need help sometimes.
Today I did.