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Friday, November 23, 2012

Constant Disappointment

Constant disappointment is a symptom of PMDD that the doctors will never list or understand.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, an important day of thanks to spend with family and friends in this country. I was already planning to be on my own because my son goes with his father to visit family on Thanksgiving and my boyfriend was working. I made plans to go to a friend's restaurant and enjoy a big gathering of people and have drinks and food. I also made plans to have a turkey dinner at a neighbor's place, her family was unable to make it so it was just for the two of us.

I woke up with a splitting migraine, nauseous stomach and a uterus that was quite obviously pissed at me for some reason. I don't normally get terrible cramps, just normal ones, but this being the first cycle after the biopsy anything can happen.

With the migraine's arrival my best laid plans for drinking all day were shot to hell. So much for my 'Wild Turkey' Day. I tried to rest and take care of myself to feel good enough to make my commitments. Hot bath, neti pot, ice packs, pain pills, tea, nothing helped. I never felt well enough to drive or go anywhere.

I did manage to make it up the stairs to a nice dinner with my neighbor, having to sit and rest the whole time. Then came home and went straight to bed before 5:00pm.

There lies the disappointment.

Even when all I have planned is enjoying the company of friends and relaxing at a restaurant my body can stop me. I couldn't even pretend to count how many times I have missed time with friends and family because I just can't. Can't get up and put on a happy face. Can't stand up straight because of the pain. Can't speak correctly because the migraine makes me slur like I am drunk or have had a stroke. Can't get out from under the heavy weight of it all.

Constant disappointment in myself for not being strong enough to have the energy and stamina to go out and be normal. Or even stay up until dark. Disappointment that I miss all the good times because I only have enough energy for work and parenting, nothing left over for friends or fun.

No pill or treatment can bring back lost time or missed opportunities.

I am starting to feel just a bit better today. It is day 3, starting on the upswing for now.

I am hoping to regain my optimism today.
(That may be the most unintentionally funny sentence I have written in a long time.) 

1 comment:

  1. Yes, it is such a big dissapointment when your body seems to be on a crusade against you having any fun in your life.

    I too have to sleep 10 h a night to be able to function normally. This is not always possible because of work schedules but I'm always the one how pays the price of staying up late or sleeping too little.

    And I can only attend parties on Fridays so I can rest properly for two days before getting back to work. Otherwise I'll have a hangover-like feeling for a whole week despite not drinking a sip of alcohol.

    And when will they open a bar that starts playing goog dance music at 6 pm and closes at 9 or 10 pm? It is completely out of the question for me to "dance all night" from midnight onwards, which seems to be the thing "everybody else" does.