Tuesday, October 30, 2012
A new cycle started for me yesterday. Another chance to do it right without ruining any relationships. Another month to try and not have a complete meltdown. Another opportunity to find something that helps with the myriad of symptoms that may or may not arrive this month in any number of combinations.
I have to look at it like that or it becomes the dread, the waiting for the inevitable badness to take over. It's a half empty, half full glass kind of thing. I have to believe that every cycle is going to be the month that is smooth sailing and symptom free. Is it disappointing when the pain and thoughts start and I know it is not to be? Sure, but it beats sitting around waiting for it to happen and worrying about it.
There are mixed feelings among sufferers about how to approach the upcoming month. Some say if you are optimistic you will just be let down and disappointed and depressed when you are wrong. Others say if you expect the worst then you are prepared, yet still others say if you expect the worst then you will create it.
So what is a girl to do? I would rather be taken off guard by a symptom than miss out on my good days. I get 7 normal days. 7 days of being 100% myself a month. There aren't enough of them for me to waste time worrying about the other 21. I still have to work, raise my son, clean and cook during those days. And catch up on the things I couldn't bring myself to do during the bad weeks. What little time remains is my time, to play with my son, read, draw, go places, enjoy myself and of course prepare.
I am not quite to the good days yet, it may be one or two days until I feel completely myself. So I make lists while I wait. Lists of what I need to do before day 11 this month. Every month during those seven days is like preparing for a storm. Restock the pantry with easy foods to snack on, pay all the bills for the month, get all the laundry done including sheets and blankets, prepare meals ahead, gas up the truck and be ready. Make sure all the important paperwork is in order and put away the breakables. There have been times when boarding up the windows would have been a good idea too.
The storm is coming, whether I am prepared or not. Evacuation is not an option. There is no way of knowing what category storm it will turn out to be but if it is a bad one, a Hurricane Hormone, and I am not prepared then there could be casualties. Relationship casualties and work casualties, not to mention dishes. There is no PMDD FEMA to come clean up the mess or help the victims. No one is going to declare an emergency and keep people from being near me and there are no emotional insurance policies to replace the feelings I hurt in others when things go category 5.
So I walk a fine line of preparedness and optimism. I prepare every month hoping I will not need it, that this will be the storm free month. And if it isn't then maybe the next one, or the one after that, or the one after that...